Who are you?

Who are you?

Dear Abi

Before I start my first blog, here is a statement - My Written English Sucks!

So why write a blog? 

I am actually rather good spokesperson but unfortunately I write like a 5 year old. 

Today I feel like I may have something valuable to write about. So when you are reading through this, you may just need to forgive me for many of the mistakes you have encountered. 

Why not proof read?

Why? life doesn't always give you the opportunity to go back and fix your mistakes, but there are always people who are see you past your mistake. My blog is for that person. 

Who are you?

There is a quote in Tamil, that i have printed and framed in my office; 

It says "Are you, the body, the life (soul), the name; no, none of the these, you are your actions"

நீ என்பது உடலா? உயிரா? பெயரா ? மூன்றும் இல்லை, செயல்!

I framed this because it resonated well with me. But I only embraced this today. Who am I? You will often hear people going on a journey to find the answer to this question - soul searching. 

I came to this country as a refugee and so my identity has always been something I have worked hard to preserve. Being in New Zealand, the first few years i felt like an outsider. I wanted to go back and reclaim what was mine. I wanted to be where i belong. In Tamil Eelam, speaking Tamil, living as a Tamil girl. 

My identity; I was a TAMIL girl - more importantly a Sri Lankan Tamil girl (yes there is difference), I was half Hindu, Half Christian, but never liked either of these religions. I am spiritual, I do believe in god, but not in religious practices. I love Physics Maths Graphics and all things creative. I love ART. I became a New Zealander, A feminist, An Activist, a HR Professional. I am Tall, I am 28 and can no longer be described as Skinny ;)

See, one of the reason I married my husband was because I loved my language. I could only truly connect with someone through that particular language. I wanted my husband to be proficient in Tamil so my children can be the same. But I now realise that the language is not my identity. 

I find we often seek out an identity like an ID number - unique to you. It becomes a point of difference and not common ground. My identity is Tamil, and you are Tamil, we go further in and say I am a Hindu, if that too aligns with you, we go further until there is a point of difference between me and you. So when we are asked about Who we are? are we actually being asked the question, what differentiates you from me?

PRIDE - is the deadliest sin of them all. I was very proud of my language. So proud that was one of the only things I thought I would hand down to my child. I made posters and teaching resources. I taught myself the greatness of this language. I stood tall telling people it was the oldest language of the world. Today I wonder what difference does it make. Why would i tell my daughter she speaks the oldest language of the world? is it so she feels superior to others who speak different languages. 

I would still teach Tamil to my daughter as it is her roots, but is that my identity i wish to show her?. 

When someone is asked to describe a person, carefully think about the words that they would use. 

"Tell me about __________?, How often do you hear someone say, she is Spanish, Tall, 28, her name is XXXXX. When they say all that what does it tell you about the person. Is it really the information you need to understand who a person is? Besides the age, everything we associate with identity is permanent or semi permanent. But is our identity a constant? No, who we are changing from the minute we are born and it is entirely in our ACTIONS (according to me and a famous quote). 

So no I will not allow pride to associate itself to my language - it is amazing but so is every other language that allows two people to effectively communicate. 

I will however focus and be reflective and mindful of my actions - as I am convinced now, that is who i am! And if you don't ever get the opportunity to meet me in person; I hope you learn about me through my actions.

Dear Abi, it is in my actions that you will find my strength and weakness.  Do not let anyone tell you who you are? Don't allow people to categorize you, put you in ranks. This is not to say oppose these people, this is to say do not allow them to convince you this is who you are. What you do tomorrow can change everything... You do not need to be unique, you do not need to be categorised. You just need to continue doing what you know you need to do. 

If i ever meet you. I hope to tell you this is exactly how i am living my life. 

I know, I am not. I am more stuck then ever before.
I have build strong walls to contain myself. I have allowed another to dictate my actions.
I no longer exist, if my actions make me who I am, and if those actions are no longer mine. Then maybe my statement makes sense. I no longer exist. But I am a fighter.